As difficult as it might be, carers should not avoid discussing the Hamas-Israel conflict with children, experts have said. Doing so, they warn, could drive young people on to the internet where disturbing disinformation and images are easily found.
“Don’t avoid difficult questions,” said Emma Citron, a consultant clinical psychologist with extensive experience of working with children. “If those questions are in the heads of our young people, it’s our job to give them a balanced and reassuring – but also an honest – account.”
But while questions should not be ignored, answers need to be tailored to the individual child.
Children under the age of about seven should be largely protected from knowing what’s happening. But those between eight and 12 are likely to ask questions like, “How do we know we’re safe?”, said Citron, a chartered member of the British Psychological Society.
“Don’t say, ‘These things can never happen here’,” she said. “Because they do: we’ve had the Manchester arena and London bombings. Instead be quietly reassuring: say they’re safe because their school has security systems and it’s the same at home.”
Older children might ask if they should stop going to festivals and concerts. “Carers could respond by saying that we’re not going to be terrorised by bad people: we’re still going to do what we feel is right but we are going to look around us and keep our eyes open,” she said.
Deleting or pausing apps including TikTok and Instagram is a given. But again, said Citron, the action should be tailored to the individual child. She said: “Don’t just remove the apps from teenagers’ phones – have the discussion in a more open-ended way: ask why they think you’re suggesting it, tell them what they might see if they look at it and the impact that will have on them.”
Before answering your children’s questions, however, Dr Dan O’Hare, an educational psychologist, said adults had to take care of themselves.
“It’s a powerful role model for children in terms of how to process emotions to say, ‘I’m actually really upset about what’s happening and I don’t know what I’m thinking about it yet or how I’m feeling. It sounds like you’ve got some questions. Let’s come back to this this evening after dinner’,” he said.
O’Hare advised active listening by repeating back what your child has said to you. “‘Wondering aloud’ is a good technique – as long as you keep it focused on feelings and not thoughts,” he said. “So, for example, say ‘I’m wondering if you’re feeling anxious because of those images you’ve seen’ rather than ‘I wonder if you’re thinking about the children who have been murdered?’”
O’Hare warned that children can convey anxiety in non-verbal ways. “They might be quieter than usual or more irritable,” he said. “Even if you don’t think they’re anxious, children can very quickly see the world is unsafe and unpredictable so check in with them in a generalised way every few days.”
When discussing what has happened, he added, try to keep to broad concepts and avoid polarising words and concepts, like good, bad and evil. “That might be incredibly hard, given the emotions involved but those framings don’t ultimately lead to compassion and peace,” said O’Hare.
Prof Vivian Hill, the director of University College London Institute of Education’s educational, child and adolescent psychology training programme, said discussing this conflict with children was particularly hard.
“The challenge this time is it’s hugely sensitive, with both political and religious factors in play.
“We’ve got communities who are going to be feeling much more anxious than others and children who have specific triggers,” she added. “Children need to be helped to regulate their emotions and guided to evaluating the situation.
“Maps and historical context are helpful because while you can’t tell them it’s not going to happen here, showing them how far away it is and how complicated the history is, could lead to them quietly coming to that conclusion themselves,” she said.