We Need to Talk About Jim and Pam
“When you’re a kid, you assume your parents are soulmates — my kids are gonna be right about that.” — Pam Beesly, S5E15
The Office would have been a very different show if it had been released in 2017. Oscar’s coming out might very well never have been a plot line. Season 1 Michael, such a jerk and so socially insensitive in an almost Trump-predicating way, would’ve been toned down. Jim and Pam would’ve broken up.
Jim and Pam should’ve probably broken up.
Having watched The Office near-twenty times over, I very sincerely think it’s some of the best comedy writing of the new millennium, and that success lies largely in its understanding of its own characters. Each one of them is spectacularly crafted, predictably human in the way they are so filled with surprises and so utterly annoying in turns. It’s also nuanced in the way it handles social issues: “Women’s Appreciation,” from season three, is the best example of how skillfully the writers address every side of the inequality and harassment found in the workplace for women, long before the current wave of sexual harassment stories broke from Hollywood this year.
Like everyone, one of my favorite elements of the show upon the first couple of viewings was the love story between Jim and Pam — because, obviously, how can you not love them? The longing between them in the first three seasons is palpable, and, like any good love story, its dragged out and largely left unsaid. Add on top of that the chemistry between John Krasinski and Jenna Fischer, and it’s easy to see why everyone started looking for the Jim to their Pam.
But the thing about watching The Office twenty times is that you really start to see just how flawed each character is, and Jim and Pam are no exception. We all love to laugh at the pranks Jim plays on Dwight and coo at the sweet way Jim and Pam look at each other, but when you take a good, hard look at it, Jim and Pam’s relationship has some major problems.
Glossing over the fact that he expects her to up and leave her fiancé after he tells her he loves her, which I just find rude, the show consistently sets Pam up to make concessions for Jim. In season five, she attends Pratt, which causes some strain for both Jim and Pam (a brilliant mocking of couples who need to spend every waking moment together), but instead of allowing her to flourish, the show has her back out in the most eye-roll worthy way: she misses Jim too much, so when she might have to stay another three months in New York to retake a class, she bails and crawls back home to Scranton.
Pam: I have to stay and retake it.
Pam: I’m coming back the wrong way. It’s not because of you. I don’t like graphic design. That’s it. Stop smiling. I really didn’t like it. It’s just designing logos and stuff…. and I miss Scranton. But it is not because I missed you. I just really wanted to come home… and I know you said to come home the right way, but you can’t tell me what to do. Got it?
Jim: I missed you.
Pam: I missed you too.
It’s not that this is out of character for Pam; her character flaw is decidedly that she has trouble with follow-through and standing up for herself. That move makes sense for her, but instead of cheering for her return, we as viewers should feel disappointed that, once again, she’s given up on a part of her dream. But because we’re so in love with Jim and Pam as a couple, instead we feel satisfied that they’re back together again.
In the same season, Jim goes and buys a house without telling her. He’s nervous about it because he’s not an idiot and realizes she might not like it. But, of course, because Jim and Pam are “meant to be together,” she loves it, so that crisis is avoided. They have no problems to talk out because there are no problems between them. To the viewer, this looks like the ideal relationship: find somebody who just speaks your language, and you’ll never have any problems.
Lucky for us, the writers of The Office were smart. They knew Pam and Jim had to have problems at some point, and finally they let that tension combust in the ninth and final season, when Jim starts a new venture behind Pam’s back. Understandably, it leaves Pam floundering — especially having to take care of the kids alone when Jim is off in Philadelphia. It’s in this season that Jim says the most outrageous, and perhaps most realistically-grounded, thing to Pam.
Jim: I’m doing this just for me? Is that what I’m doing? I’m doing this just for me. If that’s what you think then this is a really sad night. [S9E12]
Ultimately, the couple must face the fact that perhaps they aren’t always on the same page, and, of course, ultimately they work through their issues, but this season does a great job of realistically working in real-life problems that often come up in heterosexual relationships: namely, this idea that somehow his dream is the family’s dream, and that he is the only one contributing to make this work, as if somehow the double amount of childcare she must take on is no big deal.
It’s Jim’s faults, in particular in his relationship with Pam, that give him gravity as a real character and not just a blank-slate-leading-man. We all know a Jim: that very charming (white) boy who’s always kind of skated by on the fact that he’s smart and charming — the boy we all inevitably love anyway, even if we realize he does some really shitty things sometimes. And the misbalance of their relationship is grounded in reality as well. The sad truth is that women’s dreams, feelings, and desires simply are not as valued as men’s, and The Office showcases this adeptly between Jim and Pam.
Hopefully, looking more closely at the reality of Jim and Pam’s relationship can help us all work out our own romantic issues — in particular, where we may be expecting easy fate-like fixes that simply don’t exist — because the real problem isn’t that Jim and Pam’s relationship is bound for trouble, or that they merely shouldn’t be together: it’s that we idealize them so much. We all want to find the Jim to our Pam because, what? We believe then that our love story will be a kind of fairytale that requires no effort. We believe if we just find our soulmate, it has to work out because it’s destined to be.
But relationships aren’t destiny. They’re work. Even for Pam and Jim. They still have to wake up every morning and choose to love and care for one another.
And isn’t that more beautiful than destiny, after all?
